I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
