I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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