this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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