so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
