I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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