I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
