dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
