Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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