DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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