I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
