There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
