i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
