i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
