he puts the penis in happiness.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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