Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
