why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
