She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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