Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
