Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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