Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
