i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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