What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
