I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
