if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
