I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
