So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
