Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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