Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
