omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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