The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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