I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
