I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
