i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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