You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just found puke in my bra..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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