Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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