you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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