I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
