Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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