I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
