GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
