youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tell her she can't have a vagina
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
