I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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