i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
