How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
