you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
