the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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