I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
