I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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