he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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