Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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