I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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