Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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